I have come to learn that one thing I really long for is good relationships. I feel best knowing I have those people I can turn to in a time of need or just to be in community with. I love being able to do little things for them to let them know they are appreciated and loved. But when it comes to people wanting to do these things for me I can't ever accept it.
Since I left JBC I have kept in touch with no one.... literally. I mean I talk to people on occasion but there is no one I talk to on a regular basis. I can literally say that at this point I have become so involved in my job and made myself so busy that I have no social life whatsoever and no friends.
I don't say this to get some sort of pity party because it is completely my doing, however it has taught me a lot about myself. As much as I love having close relationships and want them so desperately in my life, I push them away. I wish I had some really great explanation for it and knew how to fix it but I got nothin. I'm trying my best to stay grounded in my faith and continue to work through these things by diving in the Word and searching for truth. I have heard many times in the past week that I am loved by God and He is proud of me, and while everytime I hear it I write it in my notes there is something in my mind that just won't let me believe it...
I'm just trying to continue to pray and search for answers.....
